On Death

Its weird but my mum actually talked to me about her death before. She told me she wants her ashes to be scattered into the sea. She doesnt want any wake as she feels it is all done for th e living. She even told me that she will come "see" me after she pass away... Haha but i told her not to as i will be scared... Maybe thats why she didnt visit on the 7th day of her death. We all slept super early that night so that my mum can come back to see us. I couldnt sleep that night though, turning here and there. Honestly i was a bit afraid but yet i wanted to see her, to talk to her. But in the end, nothing happened, just another normal night. But i heard people say that if you dun dream or see the decease, it means they have left happily. I hope my mum has left happily and she is in a better place. As much as i miss her, it is only my own selfishness that i want to keep her. She would be much happier on the other side where she can have "power" to bless us.

On the day of her ash collection, we went to mandai to collect the ashes. We each picked a bone from her leg. The bones had yellow particulates on them and accordingly to the undertaker, they were deposits from the huge amount of medicine my mum has consumed. It pains me to see how yellow the bones were....

We placed the ashes wrapped in a red cloth with a incense on it. After which i drove to Changi Jetty to take a boat out to sea. It was raining in the morning and we were all quite worried that we would not be able to go out to sea, but miraculously, it stopped raining when we reached Changi Jetty. The boat was rather shaky when we stopped and i nearly fell down a few times. But once the monk prayed to the Sea Dragon King God, the boat kind of stablise. After which i was suppose to light some candles, but the wind was strong and i had problem keeping them lighted. Surprising, one of the candles kept on lighting till the end...We did the ritual and prayer and my brother and i lowered the ashes into the sea....

We scattered flowers into the sea and the boat circled 3 rounds around that area. My mum was free to travel...... She is now free like a fish, free from all sufferings.... Mum you will always be in our heart and we know that you stopped the rain for us to complete the ritual out at sea. Thanks for helping us to fulfill your last wishes. After we reached land, it started to rain again, haha mum you are really great, you purposely block out that period to stop raining for us...

Mum travel the seas, enjoy yourself. You will always be in our heart!!!

When i was sick

I vividly remembered i fell sick often when i started work at Madagascar early in Oct 09. I was very sick but i insisted on going to the meeting. When i reach home i was running a fever of 39.4. My mum was really worried and i was shivering when i came out after bathing. I covered myself in blanket and she bought food and medicine to me. I felt really cared for and she kept checking on me the whole night. I guess in the eyes of our parents we never grow up.

From young, my mum always gets very worried whenever me or my brother fell sick. She would always insist we go see the doctor but i always refused. We always go to a clinic in Hougang and when i refuse, she would say she would buy video games for me to play.... And when we reach home, she would stay up all night to take care of me. Measuring my temperature every hour and putting the wet sponge on my head. Changing it when it got hot. I never really showed my appreciation.... But thinking back.... Mum Thank You!!! You cared for me without reservation... I know deep in your heart, me and brother were everything to you. But in recent years, i haven spent enough time with you... and i cant reverse time.... i feel so useless and helpless....

Mum i hope there is really an afterlife and you are happy there. That you will continue to care and love me and brother from there. I really miss you....

Mum favourite food

Mum love to eat. She especially like Crystal Jade at Toa Payoh, all the other branches she would not like. Thats my mum, she is one loyal customer.

She is always very happy whenever we brought her along for a meal. She enjoyed Thai Express and spicy food.... We tried to bring her to further and new places but she would be uncomfortable, she still preferred neighbourhood areas like AMK, Bishan, Toa Payoh. Places she frequent. I always thought she would be happy to go far places to explore, but i was wrong. Mum was a simple person, she just like old places...

Everytime we went out for dinner, it was always restaurant, and she was happy although it wasnt very frequent. Mum like vegetables alot and we made sure we ordered those for her. She was always the star of the outing and we always tried to go places she liked.

Once a year we have steamboat on the eve of chinese new year. I always like and enjoyed that since we were really young.... My brother and i would wake up early to go AMK NTUC to buy food for the steamboat, mum would give us about $100 to buy what we like. And we really bought what we like. But mum would already have prepared some food from the market first as she did not completely trust us to get all the food. She would boil the soup with chicken for 3 or 4 hours and it taste wonderful. I always sit at the same corner of the table. There was so much food on the table. I always ate lots of rice and my mum would open a can of abalone. She would only eat a few slices and always gave the rest to me and my brother. I would miss this steamboat dinner. We had steamboat a second time this year though, somewhere in October. My mum suddenly wanted to eat steamboat and we all thought it was a great idea. And it turned out to be the last time....

This was the only time in a year that we would sit around the table for dinner. Normally we just take the food onto a plate and brought it to the front to eat while watching TV. Which is rather stupid since dinner time was a good time to sit with with our parents to chat. This is something i regret... Life was such in a rush for me, and i never slowed down, not even for my family.... I always thought my family would be much better off if i earned more money... Haha but how could money ever replace the time lost?

Mum favourite transport

I always thought my mum liked to sit in my car.... but i realised only yesterday that she sat in my car only coz she wanted me to be happy and i insisted that i send her around... She was a simple person and she actually enjoyed taking the bus and watching the different people boarding the bus and watching the scenery as the bus travels along...

I took the bus yesterday with my dad and brother together to Toa Payoh... I realised how long i have not taken a bus with my family... Years.... The feeling was familiar and heartwarming... How i wish my mum was on the same bus as me... My father started telling me and my brother of how my mum normally chooses the bus to take...

Mum would never take buses that have steps that are too high at the exit door. As she would have to jump down onto the road before stepping up to the platform again. Given that her legs were weak, this was something she would choose to avoid... Sometimes mum could wait for 2 or 3 of the same number bus to pass by and would only go up on one that was newer and had lower steps... It pains me to know that....

And sometimes when it rains, she cant use the pedestrain crossing, she would need to climb the overhead bridge... I have seen how she used to climb the steps up to our house on the second storey and she was already struggling and i cant imagine how she could climb so many steps on the overhead bridge...

Fatty Turt's Mum Passed Away

Fatty's mum passed away on 12 Dec 09.... I will always remember this date....

Today is the 7th day and it has really sinked in to me that my mum has left me.... I feel really upset inside me....

I wanna write down all that i remember about my mum..... How she cared for me..... How she loved me, my brother any my dad.... All the things she did for us.....

These few days, i have been settling stuffs for my mum together with my father and brother... And they are saying hey mum likes this, mum used to do this every morning, mum used to do see flowers everytime she pass by here....

So many things, yet alot of them seem so unfamiliar to me.... I realised how much i have missed out on my mum these few years since she was ill....

All the time i concentrated on my work, letting it take precedence over everything.... but at this moment, everything seems empty and no point......

Mum, i miss you.....

You always said that i would be the sadest if you left, and yes i am really very sad... I wanna write down all my memories of you....

I hope you will move on to a better place where you will never suffer.... I will take good care of dad... I feel so empty inside me.... So many regrets, so many things i wanna tell you, so many things i wanna do together with you.... So many places i wanna take you to, so many food i wanna bring you to eat..... but powerless to do it all.... I feel so useless.... I love you mum....